Friends with strangers

Ex's favorite song plays on Pandora. Roll my eyes. Get up, run my errands, do my chores.

After executing my last to-do for the afternoon, I walk into twisted root to reward myself with some dinner to-go. Long islands and black bean burgers on the brain. The door reads "Pull", I pull. "Mother fucker." I blurt to myself. Apparently establishments like to lie about the sort of thing. I proceed to push the door open and am greeted by the smell of awesomeness. I walk around the to (super cute) bartender and order my drink and burg to-go

I just sat at a bar with 3 strangers + bartender for an hour while awaiting my black bean buffalo goodness to be prepared. I learned:
When/if I get married, acknowledge that the dishes are as important a duty as the routine sexual encounter. (the fuck?)
Don't create a user name sexier than my actual self.
Don't date online.
Don't date.
             like, at all.

I sat and listened to these completely different men (as far as appearance goes, at least) empty their little sad souls to me over this bar, at 4:15 p.m. on a beautiful warm Sunday, to me, someone they've never met. That tells me that MAYBE just maybe they're a little upset? Go figure.

I thank my mom, and the universe for my ability to meet somewhere everywhere I go, and as long as I possess this quality will I continue to gain perspective and meet new extraordinary people.

The difference between Empathy and Sympathy

Just rolled into the office a good two minutes late, head to the coffee machine first thing. Obviously. Go to desk, turn on computer, read email, blah blah blah. It’s 8:39 AM.

I pop up out of my chair and turned about-face to peer into my co-workers cubicle and ask “What’s that site, fact ‘finder’, fact ‘checker’, something? I want to read after I’m done with this project, I’m so close to being do-”
 

“You should read about space. Read about the universe.” He immediately suggested.
 

“Yeah the universe it really cool, but then I’ll start thinking about God, and all that, It’s too early…” I immaturely replied. I do mean it truly, I am struggling with my beliefs currently and would rather not face that topic in my quiet cube at work. That’s something for my free time, where I’m free to get angry and cry and have questions-because no matter what your beliefs are, I think it takes some emotional effort to claim what you believe in. Christian, Atheist, Agnostic, Catholic, Buddhist, whatever.
 

“Why would you correlate God and space?”he asked, intrigued, placing his elbows on the desk and resting his chin on his hands.
 

I really don’t feel like playing ‘teacher’, or ‘shrink’ in the office, so I struggled to find the most simplistic yet bitchily professional verbiage. “Because. Space is infinite, and we’re constantly learning from it. Why arewe here, and what are we made from? I don’t want to get into it, but space is literally the most intense thing I could learn about.” I’ll admit it, I’m emotional from time to time, I’m a WOMAN. THAT’S RIGHT! So, as a preventative step in 1.) punching my male coworker in the face 2.) crying at my cubicle for everyone to (pretend not to) see, I eliminate certain things from my work day. Things like: Candy, Soda, Sexting, Religion and cussing. Kidding about the sexting, I’m 23, not 13. Although I’m a lady, I refuse to show any elaborate emotion in the office, because I’m prrrrretty sure that’s why we, as women make less money. Because they think we ‘can’t handle it’. (Right… be right back, burning my bra.)
 

“I think you may just have that standpoint because your mom died.”He, so matter-of-factly stated. He saw my face light up and instantly scrambled for justification.“I mean, with her passing and God, and space…”

 

In my brain: Profanity. Self-defense. Sorrow. Self-defense some more.

Out of my mouth:“Please don’t associate my experience with anything so casually. I just wanted something interesting to read, okay Dr. Phil? Uh… Yeah.” I retreated to my safe cubicle.

Although religion is a HUGE factor in thislittle occurrence, my beef lies elsewhere. I’m just sitting here wonderingwho the hell this guy thinks he is, putting things into my brain like that. “You’re scared of learning about space because your mom is dead, and you’re afraid to learn the truth” is the message I got from his words he so selectively chose. No, I’m not afraid of the truth. And because my mom is dead, I see exactly how valuable and precious life is, and fragile as well. I am thankful for every day that I have, and cherish every day goes by that I don’t lose someone close to me. EVERY. DAY. Every single day that I don’t get a phone call like the once I received about my mother, I am thankful. I live, paint and dance for her because she loved it and that’s how I honor her.

Another huge no-no:Don’t ever try to empathize with someone on something you’venever experienced. Until someone in your immediate family has died, do not go there.Just let us vent, and cry, and be there for us.

 

A couple emails later and we’re on good terms, I never was very angry with him personally, I know he meant well. After all, he had a point. I do think of my mom when I think of the fate of the human race, or who our creator is, or what our creator is, but I don’t take it personally. Do I wish I could see her again? Absolutely. Is it a sure thing I will someday? No. I don’t center my beliefs around whatever cushions my emotions in regards to my mom’s passing. I have no idea if there’s a heaven or a hell, I truly hope there is, but what I do know is that my mom was ALIVE, and when she was she illuminated the room and loved me like crazy. I am at peace knowing she was happy until the moment she passed.

What I am afraid of, however, is losing my cool in front of a bunch of executives and my coworkers. So, I’m going to shut up, get back to work, and cry about this over some chocolate and a bubble bath later on this evening.

Don’t go about life assuming you know everything. Every day offers more, and new perspective. Welcome it.

Pamela's Bridal Fitting

The time has come.

At last, the bridal party has completed their fitting!

 

Time has flown by since the day Tyler asked for Pams hand, just as we had predicted it would. Of course, all the talk of “OH, don’t worry, we have a few months until…” has suddenly turned into “Oh my gosh, can you believe it’s already here…”. Unfortunately, not all of Pamela’s beautiful bridesmaids could make it to the same fitting, due to ‘schedule conflicts’ and ‘living in a different state’, PSSSSSH. Kidding, ladies ;)

 

 

 

Posted up.

 

 

 

 

 

February 16thdrew nearer and nearer until finally…BAM! Time to pop some champagne and try on some sparkly dresses! Except, minus the champagne (damn you, David’s Bridal, for your rules and safety precautions) aaaaand minus the sparkles. Because it’s 2013, and less is more. Unless you consider a cape “more”. Because our dressestotally have capes. I know, I know… Just, try to keep your raging jealously at bay until wedding day. 

 

 

Usually, trying on clothes in can be prettydull. But when it’s 3, close girlfriends per fitting room, and it’s been months since you’ve seen each other, it gets a little silly.J Brianna is always having a party in her head, so of course I got a little clip of her bouncing around. We were all able to unanimously decide upon the same gown, same color. Originally, I was going to be a separate color than the rest of the girls. Because I’m awesome,and also happen to be the maid of honor. But, since David’s Bridal lacks artistic creativity in their bridal selection, we are limited to one appropriate shade of…. WHOOPS, almost gave it away.

 

 

 

 

 

You’ll see us lovely bridesmaids getting down REAL funky on the dance flo’ with our dashing capes and flow-y floor length gowns. “Which color gown”, you ask? That juicy fact will have to wait until the wedding day, my friends! I know I’m making it hard for you to sleep at night and all, but just try and have some patience. ;)

 

 

 

 

After our super brief, super successful bridal fitting, us 5 foxy ladies skipped on over next door to B.J.’s bar for some margaritas and light snackage. All of us had separate plans for the evening, so we wanted to use our leftover time and hangout while we were all still in the same place at the same time-something you and your friends take advantage of pre-adulthood. With all of us coming from different directions all over Texas, it was truly awesome to have all of us together at once, even if it was only for 2 hours!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To my fellow bridesmaids –

I am so honored to be a part of our close friend, Pamela’s wedding together. I cannot wait to celebrate hers and Tyler’s marriage in May and am so glad to have become friends with each of you throughout our childhood and young adulthood. All of you are very special to me and this will be a wedding celebration to remember!

p.s., get ready for the bachelorette party,bitches.
XOXOOne B.ad A.ss M.aid O.f H.onor

 

 

Only You

**Disclaimer**

"Why on earth open up this much on a public blog site", you ask? After you read this, you'll see where I stand on not wasting a single moment of my life. I figure I'd write about the shit I struggle with my miniscule effort to leave a digital footprint in this world, and maybe let some other people know they're not alone in how they feel.
****IF YOU READ THIS, give some feedback. Don't be an ass. :) ******

Onward ya go.

There's two ways of losing someone. One being where the person makes a singular decision to exclude you from their life, resulting in a break up, move or, or even divorce. Then, there's the other way.... Where the person leaves this world and carries on to the afterlife, and sometimes if you're "lucky" you'll know "ahead of time". Ahead of time. Whatever that even means. As if we're not all dying right now. While researching inspirational quotes one day (because sometimes we really have to dig, extra hard for that inspirational spark) I stumbled across one I'll never forget.

It read: A reporter asked a terminally ill woman "How does it feel to know you're dying?" the woman then responded, "How does it feel to live every day thinking you're not?"

Never will I ever forget that quote, and never will I not get chills when I quote it. So basically, moral of the story: Every single day is a blessing. And until you've had someone 'leave you' in that other way... then will you understand how precious your borrowed time from God truly is. Regardless of your God, as long as you respect there is something in fact LARGER THAN YOU, you'll be able to furthermore tolerate this entry.

After a long day of dance class and work, I came home to do a little cleaning and re-organizing. Post throwing down my bags and starting a scalding epsom salt bath, I threw around some old furniture to make room for the new. In the process of relocating an aged foot stool, I happened to open up a hidden compartment where I found some old birthday cards.

The first one I came across read "My Daughter, My Friend" in flowy, metallic purple, cursive. I immediately knew who it was from and began to breathe heavy. "Just let it happen." I said to myself-As I always have to. I quickly opened the card, recognizing the familiar overlapping pages of cursive and glitter. I let myself be consumed in my sadness at that moment, and knew it was a long time coming. Why hold back when I'm home, in my room alone, away from the pressure of keeping my composure? At that point, I didn't even read the whole thing. I just fast forwarded to the end, the signature. The "Mama". God damn her handwriting is magnificent. Such a beautiful and creative little creature, she truly was.

After a couple intense minutes, I crawled into my so conveniently timed bubble bath and contemplated drinking a cocktail I made in celebration of my great news I had learned today. But that's another story for later! Soaking myself in multiple epsom salt bath products for a good 20 minutes, I secluded myself from the rest of the world and reminisced about my mom. Just her face, and her presence. Her presence is something I missed INSTANTLY. You could feel her missing in my home. The assurance of waking up, hearing mom in the kitchen making coffee was suddenly gone. No longer would I ever walk down the stairs to find my mom waiting for me to be ready for school. Everything I knew was different, starting with that.

When it gets to this point-6 years after the fact, you learn to STOP. BREATHE. and REMINISCE on the good. Cancel out the self hate, and blame you hold inside. Did my mom and I end on good terms? Well, let's put it this way: When she passed, I was 17 and had just discovered her unfaithful past with my father, who I look up to more than anything . So, it's safe to say our last conversation was less than lovely. But that's beside the point. As a mother, she was prepared for me to hate her if it meant I would become a great adult. And that's what it took.

Because of her,
I will never cheat. I have experienced the pain and will never be the same.
I will never stop dancing. I have given up once and I will never give up again, after seeing the light on her face when bragging about my passion.
I will never give up or stop loving myself. I have lost myself in my own self pitty prior to experiencing the loss of my mother and will go forward knowing that life is too short to waste a single minute being depressed.
I will be strong in knowing that this is the hardest thing I'll ever overcome. No matter what douche bag cheats on me, no matter what unexpected horrendouce expense comes my way, I will breathe easy knowing that regardless of the issue, I am alive. And that's all I need.

The beginnings of the Birthday celebrations

I'm going to warn you right now, I'm hungover as hell. Just like I ought to be, considering it's my birthday month. That's right, I'm celebrating alllllll month long. Considering work celebrations, birthday parties and family birthday celebrations. I'm just celebratin' being alive all over the place. Last night I went out with some girlfriends in Dallas. Yvette and I shared the celebration that evening, her birthday is on the 2nd!

I started out the day with HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training, kids),  and Pole Levels 3, 4, 5 with Miss Tricia Lauerman. I absolutely do not get silly on Friday nights for the sake of going to these Saturday morning classes. They kick my butt and get me super strong, every time I leave with bruises and tight muscles-I LOVE THAT! anyways, after I beasted it out with the sexy ladies of The Girls Room, Frisco I headed to Keller to get my hair done by Brianna, more awesomely known as foyanna. Or the Italian Stallion, whichever feels good at the moment. I got some awesome highlights AND low lights, AND trim for a really great price. Home girl hooked it up. Aaaaand with a mini moscato. THANKS BRI!
Below is a clip of my Saturday morning practice with Tricia! :)

So after my much needed self pampering, I headed on over to my apartment and eventually into Dallas. First things first, I had to get some FOOD. Running on just blueberries wasn't cutting it, so we headed to Avanti for dinner. I ended up getting a veggie lasagna loaded up with spinach, with a long island on the side of course! After a drink and some food, we all got to talking and realised-all of us girls really hadn't been 'out' in way too long! Whoops. I'm lame. I highly recommend Avanti for any friends looking to have a great dining experience on McKinney on Dallas, the live music and great drinks are amazing. Okay, I'm getting hungry again talking about this... Moving on!

Yvette and I, celebrating our birthdays together!

A lovely Birthday dinner at Avanti

The seven of us walked just next door to the Trophy Room to get the evening really started. First things first, Pineapple Upside down Cake shots. Several of them, actually. The first thing we noticed when we walked into this particular bar was that the bartenders with absolutely BEAUTIFUL. Like, model beautiful. AND.... They were men. Yup! It was pretty awesome. Nonetheless, we were ready to get our dance on and headed to the bar next door for some more pineapple upside cake. I highly regret all of that damn cake. I'm paying for it now. Like, right now, as I write this. Dammit.


We wobbled, we laughed, we danced with strangers. We had an AWESOME time! I loved celebrating my birthday with Yvette together, she's always been such a great friend to me and always shown me a great time. We both needed to get out! ALL of us needed to get out! We toasted to Birthdays, new beginnings and being independent women. I love being in that positive atmosphere with women, the kind that are confident and acknowledge their strength. No feeling is a better feeling than the one of knowing you're in control of your own life, making your own money and life decisions.


Cheers!

 Pam and I before a fun evening in Dallas

Several cocktails, room service and more cocktails later, we finally passed out around 3ish. We closed down the bar and ordered cheeseburgers, like freakin' rock stars. Or, just like hungry drunk bitches. Hahaha, love it. Judge me if you like, but for once, I let go and acted my age <3

 

 

Me with my first free birthday drink! Thanks Mr Bartender!

 

 

 

We even got in a little people watching action. Wow, you truly had to see some of the things we saw for yourself. I tried capturing a couple we spotted ever so cleverly with my iPhone camera, however my suspicious expression was a give away.. or, was it? ;) I admit, I'm not a good spy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After a crazy fun birthday night, we slowly peeled ourselves out of the hotel beds and made our way home. I had such a great time celebrating my birthday with old friend, and new friends, and the people I encountered throughout the whole evening. Especially those bartenders at Trophy Room that I mentioned... What?! 

Sunday not-so-fun day

Today, I found out that my ex boyfriend of 2 years is in a relationship, already.

Considering we broke up in late October, I realise some time has gone by and mayyyyybe I should be getting over this about now. However, all of my very supportive friends commend me on my strength and say that I'm going through something extremely difficult, and that it's totally normal to be going through this at this pace. I really wouldn't know, considering it's my first intense break up. Man, do these things suck!

Seeing his default picture (which throughout our entire relationship was a photo of the Incubus logo) of him and his new, brunettegirlfriend. I honestly don't know why I'm even surprised. Because considering the break up, his cheating and not to forget his lying, I knew he had some security at the end of it all. No one leaves a "happy" 2 year relationship, with a pretty little posh apartment, with a beautiful baby french bull dog, and a blond pole dancing girlfriend that's 9 years younger than you for diddly squat. He's got that security.

I nowfeel empowered, and awakened. And by awakened, I mean bitch slapped with a reality check. Did I figure he was with someone? Of course. Am I over him, and disgusted by what he's done to me? Yes, but seeing that picture just made it a little too real too soon. The thing that hurts the most is having someone do what he did, and say " It was nothing you did wrong, I just need to do this " can pretty much drive you crazy. When someone doesn't appreciate you giving your all, it's just not meant to be. Sigh.

 

To read about the end of my recent long term relationship, catch up here.
And just like that, my lifes horror stories spelled out in one little link. Who knew, -_-

I look forward to not wasting my time with some awesome, cute nerd who appreciates all of my awesomeness as well. Seeking couples like my best friend Pam and Tyler, and my dad and his fiancee Lisa, give me hope that the right geek is out there for me. Until then, I'm in a relationship with painting, pole and work.

But back to the feeling empowered part...

Tomorrow Pamburger and I will be meeting up in her living room around 6:30 AM, every day, every week, for like basically all of eternity. We will be doing Insanity video work outs, in addition to my pole fitness and HIIT training. I'm pretty much just going to beast it out, and do what makes me happy.

 

I think this experience today has been a blessing in disguise, and I'll use this motivation towards bettering myself and finding someone who appreciates what I have to offer.

 

 

Thanks for reading! Please comment and share the love!

 

Here is where you can stay up to date on my latest pole fitness adventures, and educate yourself on the technique so people can stop calling it stripping already. :)

http://poleistaperspective.blogspot.com/

Beginning 2013

I’d say that ‘they should make a class to prepare you for life as you get older’, but that’d be redundant considering that is what actual school is for. To prepare you for life. The truth of it all is, you never can have the truth of life instilled upon you unless it’s by your own will. My dad probably told me 100 times ‘what to do’ and ‘what I should do’ between me being 17 and 19, and did I ever listen? No. I had to wait until I’m 22 and freshly dumped to feel the bitter sweet bitch slap of reality. Which really, is less ‘bitter’ and more so ‘sweet’.

Aaaaaand now you’re thinking “Wait back up, ‘Less bitter, more sweet? Break up? Cheating man whore?’!”-that’s right. Breakups SUCK. Suuuuuuuck suck suck. I can honestly say to the man who once welcomed my love, then casually gave it away, that although he’sprobably going to hell I remain thankful for the fire he lit under my ass. Being in love with a finger waving silver spoon was good for me at the time, hell, he settled me down when I was 21 and 22, the ages when people are sure you’re going to let loose and make mistakes. He helped round me into a more professional young lady. But in the end, I’m left alone. Okay, I’m notcompletely alone, I have Daisy meow. So until my patience with my fur babies wears thin, here are my personal goals to take into deep consideration while living 2013 to its fullest potential

List5  things I wish I could change about myself in the new year

1.)Procrastinating

I procrastinate all the time. Whether it be laundry or even a blog post – I even did it just now with this email to myself-WOW. This draft has been sitting in my inbox for two. Damn. Days. I need to make a conscious effort to acknowledge my goals and intentions, and either perform/execute them THAT instant or document them in my calendar to be done in the near future and set a reminder for myself. Maybe even a note pad, too. Tied to my neck. By an invincible string.

2.) More Self-Love

Bubble baths are my traditional way of making myself take a moment to settle down and relax. It’s really important to acknowledge all the things we accomplish and do for ourselves just to achieve normality, whatever that means. I think as adults, and parents (which I’m NOT), we overlook our own personal needs and wants to see straight toward the goal, focusing on little in-between.

The same could be said about men’s views towards foreplay and sex.... :-|

3.) Be more girly

By ‘be more girly’, I mean engage my (inner) voice as a woman. I should take more pride in doing my hair, make up and getting dressed in the morning. Unlike men, I can create myself to represent whatever I feel like in the morning simply by the way I style myself. That should be considered a privilege and taken full advantage of. Although my goal is to take my ‘image’ into more careful consideration, I still want to do it cost-conveniently. I can still feel beautiful without having a coach purse and $200 moisturizing cream.

When I think of my kinda woman, I envision a confident, appealing woman. She appears to be ageless, hair and skin color are unnecessary to note. Dressed in clothing tight enough to tell shes a woman, but loose enough to show she’s a lady as Marilyn Monroe tells it. When I picture the woman I want to be, I see velvet and chiffon, with black rimmed glasses and pearl accessories. But when I look down, I see TJ Maxx and Hannah Montana.

4.) Eat more whole foods

As I age, I have become more and more aware of things health and beauty related. Lately, I’ve taken into consideration I need to be wearing a daily moisturizer with SPF in the ingredients. This is important so my skin doesn’t absorb any unwanted UV rays causing wrinkles, leading to potential skin cancer and confirmed ugliness. It has come to my attention, about two years ago (whoops), that I should be eating 90% whole foods and leave the 10% for cheat days (for my own personal sanity and the health of others around me). I’m under the impression if I just shove my face with spinach and beans forever until the day I die that I’ll simply remain looking 22… let’s see if it works.

5.) Enhance my lexicon

Enough said-Now just to say itbetter… Hmm. How will I make it happen? Maybe select a word a day, or 5 words a week, to focus on and include in a blog post and/or email? Suggestions?!

Life resolutions are weird. Life is weird. As a kid, your wide eyes and open ears absorb and marinate every little nugget of information you come across, creating this big collage of memories and experiences. It’s your parents job to make you aware and introduce you to these experiences, but it’s our job as the child to perceive them correctly. ‘What the hell is she talking about?’, I’ll get to it, don’t worry… I guess what I mean to say is, no one in life is going to tell you how to perceive opportunities and experiences you may encounter in this life.

A prime example is my mother’s passing. Although it’s sad and I miss her laughter and presence every day, I perceive that traumatizing experience as a stepping stone along the path of my young adulthood. I miss her all the time, but it’s my own job to make sure I’m in the right state of mind and use my experiences as fuel for my future. It’s my biggest responsibility, to make sure I use my energy in a way that will help me excel towards reaching my goals in this new year. I hope everyone else is in charge of their goals as well and takes charge of their lives today!