Just rolled into the office a good two minutes late, head to the coffee machine first thing. Obviously. Go to desk, turn on computer, read email, blah blah blah. It’s 8:39 AM.
I pop up out of my chair and turned about-face to peer into my co-workers cubicle and ask “What’s that site, fact ‘finder’, fact ‘checker’, something? I want to read after I’m done with this project, I’m so close to being do-”
“You should read about space. Read about the universe.” He immediately suggested.
“Yeah the universe it really cool, but then I’ll start thinking about God, and all that, It’s too early…” I immaturely replied. I do mean it truly, I am struggling with my beliefs currently and would rather not face that topic in my quiet cube at work. That’s something for my free time, where I’m free to get angry and cry and have questions-because no matter what your beliefs are, I think it takes some emotional effort to claim what you believe in. Christian, Atheist, Agnostic, Catholic, Buddhist, whatever.
“Why would you correlate God and space?”he asked, intrigued, placing his elbows on the desk and resting his chin on his hands.
I really don’t feel like playing ‘teacher’, or ‘shrink’ in the office, so I struggled to find the most simplistic yet bitchily professional verbiage. “Because. Space is infinite, and we’re constantly learning from it. Why arewe here, and what are we made from? I don’t want to get into it, but space is literally the most intense thing I could learn about.” I’ll admit it, I’m emotional from time to time, I’m a WOMAN. THAT’S RIGHT! So, as a preventative step in 1.) punching my male coworker in the face 2.) crying at my cubicle for everyone to (pretend not to) see, I eliminate certain things from my work day. Things like: Candy, Soda, Sexting, Religion and cussing. Kidding about the sexting, I’m 23, not 13. Although I’m a lady, I refuse to show any elaborate emotion in the office, because I’m prrrrretty sure that’s why we, as women make less money. Because they think we ‘can’t handle it’. (Right… be right back, burning my bra.)
“I think you may just have that standpoint because your mom died.”He, so matter-of-factly stated. He saw my face light up and instantly scrambled for justification.“I mean, with her passing and God, and space…”
In my brain: Profanity. Self-defense. Sorrow. Self-defense some more.
Out of my mouth:“Please don’t associate my experience with anything so casually. I just wanted something interesting to read, okay Dr. Phil? Uh… Yeah.” I retreated to my safe cubicle.
Although religion is a HUGE factor in thislittle occurrence, my beef lies elsewhere. I’m just sitting here wonderingwho the hell this guy thinks he is, putting things into my brain like that. “You’re scared of learning about space because your mom is dead, and you’re afraid to learn the truth” is the message I got from his words he so selectively chose. No, I’m not afraid of the truth. And because my mom is dead, I see exactly how valuable and precious life is, and fragile as well. I am thankful for every day that I have, and cherish every day goes by that I don’t lose someone close to me. EVERY. DAY. Every single day that I don’t get a phone call like the once I received about my mother, I am thankful. I live, paint and dance for her because she loved it and that’s how I honor her.
Another huge no-no:Don’t ever try to empathize with someone on something you’venever experienced. Until someone in your immediate family has died, do not go there.Just let us vent, and cry, and be there for us.
A couple emails later and we’re on good terms, I never was very angry with him personally, I know he meant well. After all, he had a point. I do think of my mom when I think of the fate of the human race, or who our creator is, or what our creator is, but I don’t take it personally. Do I wish I could see her again? Absolutely. Is it a sure thing I will someday? No. I don’t center my beliefs around whatever cushions my emotions in regards to my mom’s passing. I have no idea if there’s a heaven or a hell, I truly hope there is, but what I do know is that my mom was ALIVE, and when she was she illuminated the room and loved me like crazy. I am at peace knowing she was happy until the moment she passed.
What I am afraid of, however, is losing my cool in front of a bunch of executives and my coworkers. So, I’m going to shut up, get back to work, and cry about this over some chocolate and a bubble bath later on this evening.
Don’t go about life assuming you know everything. Every day offers more, and new perspective. Welcome it.
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