Only You

**Disclaimer**

"Why on earth open up this much on a public blog site", you ask? After you read this, you'll see where I stand on not wasting a single moment of my life. I figure I'd write about the shit I struggle with my miniscule effort to leave a digital footprint in this world, and maybe let some other people know they're not alone in how they feel.
****IF YOU READ THIS, give some feedback. Don't be an ass. :) ******

Onward ya go.

There's two ways of losing someone. One being where the person makes a singular decision to exclude you from their life, resulting in a break up, move or, or even divorce. Then, there's the other way.... Where the person leaves this world and carries on to the afterlife, and sometimes if you're "lucky" you'll know "ahead of time". Ahead of time. Whatever that even means. As if we're not all dying right now. While researching inspirational quotes one day (because sometimes we really have to dig, extra hard for that inspirational spark) I stumbled across one I'll never forget.

It read: A reporter asked a terminally ill woman "How does it feel to know you're dying?" the woman then responded, "How does it feel to live every day thinking you're not?"

Never will I ever forget that quote, and never will I not get chills when I quote it. So basically, moral of the story: Every single day is a blessing. And until you've had someone 'leave you' in that other way... then will you understand how precious your borrowed time from God truly is. Regardless of your God, as long as you respect there is something in fact LARGER THAN YOU, you'll be able to furthermore tolerate this entry.

After a long day of dance class and work, I came home to do a little cleaning and re-organizing. Post throwing down my bags and starting a scalding epsom salt bath, I threw around some old furniture to make room for the new. In the process of relocating an aged foot stool, I happened to open up a hidden compartment where I found some old birthday cards.

The first one I came across read "My Daughter, My Friend" in flowy, metallic purple, cursive. I immediately knew who it was from and began to breathe heavy. "Just let it happen." I said to myself-As I always have to. I quickly opened the card, recognizing the familiar overlapping pages of cursive and glitter. I let myself be consumed in my sadness at that moment, and knew it was a long time coming. Why hold back when I'm home, in my room alone, away from the pressure of keeping my composure? At that point, I didn't even read the whole thing. I just fast forwarded to the end, the signature. The "Mama". God damn her handwriting is magnificent. Such a beautiful and creative little creature, she truly was.

After a couple intense minutes, I crawled into my so conveniently timed bubble bath and contemplated drinking a cocktail I made in celebration of my great news I had learned today. But that's another story for later! Soaking myself in multiple epsom salt bath products for a good 20 minutes, I secluded myself from the rest of the world and reminisced about my mom. Just her face, and her presence. Her presence is something I missed INSTANTLY. You could feel her missing in my home. The assurance of waking up, hearing mom in the kitchen making coffee was suddenly gone. No longer would I ever walk down the stairs to find my mom waiting for me to be ready for school. Everything I knew was different, starting with that.

When it gets to this point-6 years after the fact, you learn to STOP. BREATHE. and REMINISCE on the good. Cancel out the self hate, and blame you hold inside. Did my mom and I end on good terms? Well, let's put it this way: When she passed, I was 17 and had just discovered her unfaithful past with my father, who I look up to more than anything . So, it's safe to say our last conversation was less than lovely. But that's beside the point. As a mother, she was prepared for me to hate her if it meant I would become a great adult. And that's what it took.

Because of her,
I will never cheat. I have experienced the pain and will never be the same.
I will never stop dancing. I have given up once and I will never give up again, after seeing the light on her face when bragging about my passion.
I will never give up or stop loving myself. I have lost myself in my own self pitty prior to experiencing the loss of my mother and will go forward knowing that life is too short to waste a single minute being depressed.
I will be strong in knowing that this is the hardest thing I'll ever overcome. No matter what douche bag cheats on me, no matter what unexpected horrendouce expense comes my way, I will breathe easy knowing that regardless of the issue, I am alive. And that's all I need.