I just started watching weeds through Netflix (LOVE!) and am currently about to watch episode 7. At the end of episode 6, you see the widowed mother curled up in her comfy bed watching an old home video of her and her husband. It's actually of them making love, she's reminiscing. Maybe it was the music in the background, or the fact that I'm about to start my period, but I teared up.

I honestly felt like I could relate. No, I haven't taken the leap down the isle, but I do know that feeling she has. If you havent experienced this pain, I can't explain it to you. They're just there, and then they're not. Like a dead end, just non existent. What you once knew and relied on to make you happy has become incomplete, annihilated, halted, ceased, whatever you'd like to call it.

There is not one thing you can do to change it once it is done, and that's the worst part. The strongest man in the worlds mother could die today and you'd see a boy, it's just what happens. When you see someone everyday, tell them you love them and depend on them for your own personal happiness, it can be very hard to let go. Wether it be a child, lover, parent or best friend.

I think it defines and shapes the person effected by this loss in the fact that you're forced to face life, like it or not. You can't go to your bedroom and shut it out forever because the truth of the matter is that losing someone effects your daily everything. Even coming out of your bedroom is awful. Slowly opening your door to listen downstairs to hear if she's awake, and realising that it doesn't matter because she will never hear the doorknob turn anymore. Checking the locks and realising youll never have to lock the back door to the patio, because there was no longer a smoker living there. Putting off healing will only make it worse. I'm still trying to find out when you need to stop healing, and Im starting to think the answer is never.

I will continue to miss and by saddened by my moms death until I know that there is in fact a God and that I'll see her and apologize for myself. But as long as I'm still skeptical about an afterlife and wethere humans are even part of the big picture, I'm going to have my regrets.

Hold onto what you have while you have it